my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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