Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
