you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
