i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
