I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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