Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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