Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
