took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
