I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
