I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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