I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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