dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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