May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
