At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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