I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
