Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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