i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
