Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
