mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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