Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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