So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
