why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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