i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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