True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
