I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
