We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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