I accidentally burped into my bong.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
