I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
