I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
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if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
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You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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