she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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