Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
