Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
