Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
