Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Randomize