were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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