I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
