Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
smell my finger.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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