DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
