i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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