im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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