Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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