it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
