1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
