Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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