I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
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The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
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Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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