Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
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Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.