just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.