I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
