i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
