Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
not ubering you a puppy
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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