Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
