Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think I won the penis lottery.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
