just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
