Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
