Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
