i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
