listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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