Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
