Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
