Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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