she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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