Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
