when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
