True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
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then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
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AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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