Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
