it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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