I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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