I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
